


When To Rob a Bank

by Amurtinyburr12



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Alternate History, Bank Robbery, Dick Grayson is Robin, Jason Todd Has Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-03-03 08:16:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13337121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amurtinyburr12/pseuds/Amurtinyburr12
Summary: Robin's out on solo patrol when he finds a young boy standing on the rooftops, obviously monitoring the Gotham National Bank. He very clearly announces to Robin that he's going to rob it.What should a good crime fighting vigilante do if not give the boy a few pointers?





	When To Rob a Bank

**Author's Note:**

> This is the fanfiction you deserve but not the fanfiction you need.
> 
> (IDK why I can write this and not a chapter for my other fics or hell, do homework.)

Jason's knees are beginning to protest the kneeling position he's taken on the rooftop of the Gotham Public Library but he makes no attempt to alleviate the pressure. The library is an ancient building, probably older than it even has records of. The rooftop reflects this detrimental state with its crumbling exterior and rough surface. However, his discomfort is bearable - _it has to be_ \- what's important is the building opposite of him. Through the pair of (slightly cracked) old binoculars he clutches, Jason can very clearly read the sign on the large building. 

 **Gotham National Bank**.

He's been tracking the comings and goings of people for at least the past hour. His elbows ache in sync along with the pounding of his knees because of how long he's been leaning his weight on the building's ledge. Soon he'll need to move to shake out the tension, though he's sure his limbs will protest. Cramped ligaments are not ideal for an _Oceans_ style mission. The past hour is nothing compared to the months of preparation Jason's put into this. He's studied every element, every mistake others made before him and planned around each and every one of them.

It's starting to get slightly nippy and the wind is even picking up a little. The sun is quickly melting behind the city skyline but the darkness doesn't scare Jason. It's easier to remain unseen when he has the cover of the night to disappear into. He sets the binoculars down on the ledge, taking care not to let it topple to the cement below. A quick glance toward the clock tower tells the boy that it's half past 8.

 _Good,_ Jason inhales with a shaky breath, trying to steady his nerves. _On schedule._

At 8:35 he will ascend the thin, "barely visible but sturdy", rope he tied between the rooftops. (The black market seller promised his money back if the rope snapped.) From there it's child's play to break through the window of the bank and make his grand entrance. At this hour, only two people, not counting a handful of security, should be on shift. And, if Jason's written the schedule correctly from his weeks of studying their shifts then it should be old man Alan Bardier and alcoholic widow Stacy Martinez.

The perfect night for the perfect crime.

Jason eases himself from the straps of the ratty backpack he's been carrying so that he can triple check the contents. He already knows what's inside, but it grants him some peace of mind to look again. His spare rope, in case something happens to his first one, is nestled snugly on top. Next to it, Jason recognizes the outline of his pistol even though a blanket of heavy darkness is beginning to settle over Gotham. He removes the gun from the bag and settles it into the makeshift holster he's attached to his belt.

The gun was stupid easy to get his hands on. Jason didn't even have to go an illegal arms dealer. Nah, in a city this rampant with crime all he had to do was take a stroll through Crime Alley. The gun was stuffed between the cracks of a dumpster and a sleazy night club so Jason had no qualms about taking it. Something like _finders keepers losers weepers_ , he proudly reminded himself. However, there was only one bullet in the barrel and Jason wasn't about to spend any money on getting more. His hostages wouldn't have to know he was short on ammo. The boy doesn't actually want to shoot anyone, anyway.

A criminals moral code may not mean much to the GCPD but Jason still firmly believes that shooting is only necessary if the other party is deserving of being shot at. It's a laughable thought that Jason is worried about what the police department thinks of him seeing as over half of their cops are more corrupt than Julius Caesar.

After he secures his gun, Jason pulls a hammer from the depths of his Mary Poppins bag. After rolling up the left leg of his jeans, he straps the hammer there and pulls his pants leg back down. Hammers were always a good idea, especially if something went wrong and he'd need to literally smash his way out of something. (A kid that used to live in Crime Alley once attempted to rob a cell phone shop but was locked in by the employees. He probably wished that he'd taken a hammer with him.)

The last part of his preparation involves a harness, much like something you'd see a rock climber at the gym wearing. This will clip to the rope and allow him to quickly and efficiently travel across the street and into the bank.

The minute hand reaches 35 minutes into the hour. Jason steels himself, goes over his plan one more time in his mind, steps up onto the ledge and prepares to connect his harness to the rope.

"What are you doing?" 

Jason flails wildly for a moment, nearly toppling off the rooftop, at the sound of an unexpected voice. He manages to catch his balance though and snaps his gaze to the direction of the voice, hand reaching for his gun instinctively. 

"Oh fucking great," Jason snarls at the masked vigilante perched on the gargoyle to his right. His cape is flowing stoically behind him and Jason's never hated anything more in his life. For all his planning, all his hard preparation, he idiotically forgot to factor in the Caped Crusader and his sidekick. He raises the pistol in front of him, holding it tightly with both hands. "Beat it, Boy Blunder. I'm robbing this bank."

The vigilante appears to openly ponder Jason's words before he jumps from the statue to the roof with such ease and grace that Jason half wonders if he was a cat in his past life. "Robbing this bank," Robin repeats slowly as if he isn't sure he heard that correctly, apparently ignoring the threat of a bullet in the face.

Jason narrows his eyes at the other boy, jaw clenching tightly simultaneously. "You heard me. I swear I'm not going to let you or your stupid shorts ruin all my hard planning so how about you go find some other fucking chew toy."

"Easy there, put the gun down, okay?" Robin raises his own hand, revealing a birdarang. "I bet you I could knock the gun out of your hand before you even get to pull the trigger but I don't want to do that. So, let's just put it down."

Trembling with rage, Jason considers his options. It might very well be true that Robin is capable of this - his abilities are no joke. Besides, he still has a moral code to abide by even if this vigilante is shitting on his plans. Jason doesn't believe in retribution without good cause. He hesitantly lowers the gun, then after a second of mental cursing he pushes it into its holster.

Robin nods approvingly and dares to take another step forward. "So, you're robbing Gotham National Bank in the evening."

"No shit," Jason rolls his eyes and turns away so he can begin clipping his harness to the rope. He doesn't like one bit how amused the vigilante sounds. "Didn't realize you were an even better detective than the Batman."

Suddenly, Robin is next to him on the ledge. Before Jason is fully aware of what's happening, Robin tugs the top part of the harness into his hands. Oddly enough, he doesn't disconnect it or snip the rope like Jason expects. Instead, he peers at the threads and buckles, tracing it with his gloved fingers. An expression forms on his facial features, something caught between incredulous and dissapointed. "So, you want to go through the window on this," The Boy Wonder shakes his head. "You might be one of the worst bank robbers I've ever met."

"I could care less what you think of me," Jason informs the vigilante politely.

"Maybe so," Robin runs a hand through his already mussed up black locks in a dismissive sort of way. "But this harness is awful. If you're going to rob this bank then you might as well have someone who can help you do it right."

Jason stares, unblinkingly, straight at the other boy, not even bothering to hide his confusion. Now it was his turn to debate whether he'd heard that right. "You're helping me rob a bank?" He asks, searching for any sign in Robin's stance that it's a trick. He can't seem to find anything but Jason's no fool. He'd never have been able to survive this long if he trusted this easily.

"More like give you some pointers," Robin shrugs before plopping down on the ledge and swinging his legs out in front of him. It's such an out of place action for a crime fighting bad ass that Jason can't bring himself to speak for a moment. The whole image in front of him is so...childlike. Robin's a kid. It's easy to forget that.

Just a minute ago, he was ready to fight. Now, he finds himself more than a little curious as to what the teenage crime fighter has to say about how to carry out a crime.

"What, um..." Jason clears his throat. "What sort of pointers?"

Robin tucks his hands underneath his thighs and cocks his head slightly to the right. "Well, statistically there's more success when a bank is robbed in the morning rather than at night. You also picked a Friday for your heist- a fairly amateur move I'd say since most robberies take place on Friday's."

Jason feels a knot forming in his stomach and it's difficult to decipher whether it's embarrassment or anger. It's more likely that it's an infuriating mixture of both. "Yeah, so?" He challenges, face feeling a little hot.

Robin holds his hands up in a placating gesture and the warm smile never drops. "I'm just pointing out that you've pretty much already failed. You didn't pick a very large area. I assume that since you're a kid that you don't have a car," Robin's gaze falls to Jason's crumbling backpack and ripped clothing. "This is a fairly small perimeter, yet often very busy, so someone would see you escaping."

At that, Jason sneers openly. "You think anyone gives one single shit about a kid running through the streets?"

To Jason's surprise, Robin agrees. "Certainly not in this hellhole. But the odds are still stacked against you. There's video footage to destroy - not just in the building but the street cams as well, uncontrollable elements like rebellious hostages and not enough money that makes this all even remotely worth it." He sounds a little sad for whatever reason. "The average haul is around $4,000 and just saying, this is Gotham. They expect these sort of things and would never keep any more than that available to be stolen in a single place. The best robberies are completely covert."

 _Is Robin short for Robin Hood or something?"_ Jason thinks about asking but decides against it. Instead, he glances toward the window of the bank and has the notion to just jump and let the harness carry him away from the vigilante. But there's something in his words that ring true in Jason's mind. Maybe he's made a mistake. But, this whole thing has taken months to plan - where else is he going to get the money he needs for his mom? There's no way he can backtrack now, not with his mom's medicine on the line. There's just not enough time to plan a new heist.

Robin seems to sense Jason's hesitation because he pauses before continuing, "You can go at it two ways. Never let the bank realize you ever stepped inside and stole their money or just walk in, act like a regular customer then quietly ask the employees for all their money. Per policy, the employees have to give you it."

"Why are you telling me this?" Jason addresses the obvious question.

"I don't know," Robin admits, getting to his feet and turning to look at the bank. He must be an idiot because from this angle it would be easy to push the boy from the ledge. But Jason doesn't do it. Maybe Robin knew he wouldn't. 

"I had a feeling," Robin pauses, trying to figure out how to word it. "You seem like a good kid. Something told me you weren't doing this for yourself. Something in your stance."

Jason's eyes drop to his shoes and he can't help but feel irritated that this masked asshole thinks he's got him all figured out. It must be well past 8:35 now- his plan is blown to shit. Robin's probably been stalling him, just waiting for his big bad Bat dad to swoop in and arrest him.

"You don't know jack about me," He means to utter these words with some bite but it comes out more a hoarse whisper than anything else. _Dammit._

"I think you could use a little help," Robin shifts so he can see Jason fully. "Robbing banks just isn't worth it, kid. I know some places you could try to get a job at. There's this one place, down near where Haly's Circus used to rent..."

At this point, Jason's no longer listening. The words _robbing banks just isn't worth it_ keeps circulating in his mind. Alright, so he's somewhat convinced that banks aren't going to get him the results he wants. Robin made good points.

What's that other saying? _He that can have patience can have what he will?_ A few small robberies here and there ought to do it. One big robbery would have been foolish, Jason see's that now. It's his best option to operate purely through smaller thefts and sell on the black market.

"...and the pay rate is fairly decent for minors," Robin finishes, looking expectantly at Jason.

"Okay," Jason swallows thickly, not exactly enjoying lying to the other boy. He's certainly no friend but Jason finds himself hating the teen less than he did a few minutes ago. "I'll check it out."

"Great!" Robin beams, lighting up like a Christmas tree in December. "I've got to keep patrolling but I'm glad you're turning away from a life of crime. Trust me - it wouldn't have ended well." Before Jason can say anything, the Boy Wonder shoots a grappling hook off into the distance, gives Jason another sly grin, and flies into the night.

Jason watches him go, eyes focusing on the grappling hook that Robin uses. He wonders how much it would sell if people knew it was one of the Dynamic Duo's items. Hell, something like that could earn him a pretty penny. Anything really. A batarang could probably get his mother a weeks of medication. 

Below him, the sounds of horns honking draw his attention to a sleek black Tesla screeching through the red light of a busy intersection.

 _A batarang would be nice_ , he thinks. But a tire, well. That could set him for months if not years.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired purely by this Freakonomics YouTube video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qp3wP7O8_2o
> 
> Also got some stuff from a real bank robber: https://adequateman.deadspin.com/how-to-rob-a-bank-as-told-by-an-actual-bank-robber-1710663924
> 
> And the story of the kid that robbed a cellphone shop and was locked in I actually saw on the news, haha.
> 
> I had Jason and Dick sort of circulating through my thoughts all day and this was born. Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
